I’m not looking for a job in the midst of a deep recession with unemployment affecting anywhere from 10 to 25 percent of the workforce, depending upon where you live. That’s self-defeating. Plus I really love what I do (if you’re not familiar, I’m a ventriloquist/musician/comedian/writer), so the exercise is moot.
But there are some jobs, both real and imagined, that I would love to have.
Topping the list is Weather Channel weather reader. Not one of those crazy guys like Jim Cantore or Mike Seidel, who routinely stand in the middle of hurricanes and white-outs and give live updates: “I can’t feel my nose, fingers or my toes, but I can tell you this folks – it is cold here! Reporting from underneath the ice storm, this is Mike Seidel.”
No, I want to be the guy sitting with Stephanie Abrams or Paul Goodloe, safely ensconced in the Weather Channel headquarters just north of Atlanta, saying, “Thanks for that report Mike. Stay warm, buddy! Ha ha ha! We’ll be right back with a traveller’s outlook!”
What a job! You just read what the weather is in various parts of the country! I don’t know why, but it always makes me happy that it’s 82 and sunny in El Paso, while I’m sitting in my office in New Jersey, where it’s 24 degrees, cloudy and we’re gonna have snow.
I have always wanted to be hired for a summer to do the scoreboard in Wrigley Field. Yes, I’m sure it gets hot. But you see all the games. It’s never boring. You’re paid to follow baseball closely because half your job is putting up the scores of other games.
This is not a digital operation, either. The Wrigley Field scoreboard is a giant wood-and-steel structure that overhangs the entire ballpark. All the information, other than the clock, is updated by hand. This includes putting up the inning-by-inning score of the Cubs’ game, not to mention scores of other games in both leagues. Plus you keep track of the pitchers who are currently playing all the games as well as the one in front of you. I’ve romanticized it to the point of fetish, and no way could it possibly be as good as I’ve imagined. But I’d take the gig in a heartbeat!
I wouldn’t mind being a pedi-cab driver either. What is a pedi-cab? A tricycle that is pedaled by the driver, mostly found in the Orient, which transports passengers for “hire.” (Used to be “rickshaws.”) It’s similar to a taxi, only you and your fare are outside (some pedi-cabs have hoods for their clientele). It’s a great way to get in good shape, and you’re always busy!
And then there are the jobs that don’t exist, but could. Or will.
Let’s be honest. It is only a matter of time before western civilization breaks down to where stupidity and ignorance rule the day. Coming soon to a college near you: a major in “Animal Translation.” Yes, the day is coming when humans will study how to “talk” to dolphins and monkeys.
Next, digital nations will need leaders. You know it. Facebook and MySpace and Plaxo will soon be rival countries with their own rules and laws and gross national product. I could easily see myself being elected the president of a small online country. “Taylorites.com!”
Or how about this dream job: You pay me a fee. I choose your lottery numbers. I build a shrine to your lottery numbers and pray for you to win every day. You give me a percentage when you win!
Taylor Mason is a comedian, a musician, a ventriloquist, writer and gadget freak. He has headlined every major comedy club in the United States, and has played Carnegie Hall and The Sydney Opera House in Australia. He has been part of two Emmy-winning television programs, including his children’s TV show, “Taylor’s Attic.” He is featured in comedy DVDs “Thou Shalt Laugh,” “Thou Shalt Laugh 2” , “Thou Shalt Laugh 3,” and “Thou Shalt Laugh 4“ plus two episodes of the hit comedy series “Bananas.” Taylor works a mind-boggling 200 nights a year, in front of every kind of audience, and has managed to stay married for the past 22 years to his wife, Marsia. They have two teen-aged sons and live in New Jersey (the only state in America that uses air freshener … outdoors).
To book Taylor for your event contact visit The Grable Group or email [email protected]
